13 January 2010

It's Wednesday, January 13th.

2010. 4:47 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Et cetera.

I'm writing this because Nathanael said, and I quote, "blog more! now!!!!!!!!!!" Now I'm never safe to go online without someone yelling at me. I have the cousin (or not, since I never talk to her. Just to avoid this), and I have the fishy, and now I have Nathanael. He's not the anything, except maybe the Asian. Oh, and he's the chick, but I'm not even going to try to explain that.

The tab at the top of the screen here says "Apple." I can't for the life of me tell you why. The weirdest part is that the bar at the very top, which is supposed to say the same thing, says "Blogger: Pseudocurses - Create Post." This is either a problem with Blogger or a problem with Lisette. I'd prefer to think it's a problem with Blogger, because Lisette is like my metal and plastic and whatever else people put in computers child.

I was going to write about a terrible habit I've picked up recently. What was it? Good God, I can't even remember my own bad habits. How will I make fun of other people if I can't remember the obnoxious things they do? I think my life is ending. Do you hear it ending? It's making this scratching noise and meowing and...that's the cat outside the door. Okay. Anyway, where was I?

Oh yes. Terrible habits. I was going to squish about the way I use 'squish' as a verb in situations that are totally wrong. I know I already wrote about that, but that was a few days ago. You've probably already forgotten, or something. I know I had, until I looked it up.

The fishy thinks I should squish an entire blog post of squishing that word into the wrong place. I said to her, "Erin, you're a psycho. No one will understand that." She said, "Well, you don't have to do EVERY word! Leave enough normal so people know what you're talking about." Then I think I might have said, "Maybe I can squish that."

I mean, I'm sure it's possible. The fishy and I once had an entire conversation about the colonization of various countries by Europe by pointing at a map and saying "squish" a lot. It went something like this:

Me: Dude, that's weird. Look at the US; it's like squish.
Erin: You're right! It is like squish.
Me: But I thought the US was still being squished by England whenever this map is.
Erin: No, the US squished England. Remember?
Me: Oh. Yeah. Hey, why hasn't anyone squished Africa?
Erin: Because it's a desert?
Me: Well, no one squished the Sahara. But there are other parts that aren't squishy. Like, here.
Erin: Oh, yeah. It's all not squish.

Then Australia turned into BAM-Land. Bioterrorism was involved. And, as everyone knows, you can't sell Canadians. They get kind of mad.

I need to go eat dinner soon. I eat food. I know, it's shocking. There are so many other things to do with food, but I choose to eat the stuff.

You probably can't tell, but about forty-five minutes passed between the end of that paragraph and the start of this one. Maybe I should go back and put some tildes and asterisks in so you know I'm serious. Random punctuation always makes me think more of the person writing. You know what, I'll just put the tildes and asterisks here.


Did you see the ampersand I snuck in? It's a ninja ampersand. Punctuation so often goes to ninja finishing school to train in the ways of the ninja.

I'm running out of things to say (or write. Whatever), so I'm just going to copy some things other people have already written. Sometimes we call this plagiarism. Sometimes we call it being lazy.

Right here with me, I have my copy of "How Not To Write." I got it for Christmas this year (in case you were wondering, last year I got an OED. That's because I'm fabulous). It is full of fab, advice, and grammar humor. Here are some examples.

Stuff From "How Not To Write":
  • One will not have needed the future perfect tense in one's entire life.
  • You should just avoid confusing readers with misplaced modifiers.
  • Remember to never split an infinitive.
  • Don't verb nouns.
  • Don't use Capital letters without good REASON.
If you didn't understand that, I am totally willing to lend you my copy.

How was that for a blog post? Admittedly, I stole someone else's humor because I was too lazy to be funny on my own and wrote about ninja punctuation ... but I enjoyed it, and that's all that matters, infidels.

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