13 January 2010

It's Wednesday, January 13th.

2010. 4:47 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Et cetera.

I'm writing this because Nathanael said, and I quote, "blog more! now!!!!!!!!!!" Now I'm never safe to go online without someone yelling at me. I have the cousin (or not, since I never talk to her. Just to avoid this), and I have the fishy, and now I have Nathanael. He's not the anything, except maybe the Asian. Oh, and he's the chick, but I'm not even going to try to explain that.

The tab at the top of the screen here says "Apple." I can't for the life of me tell you why. The weirdest part is that the bar at the very top, which is supposed to say the same thing, says "Blogger: Pseudocurses - Create Post." This is either a problem with Blogger or a problem with Lisette. I'd prefer to think it's a problem with Blogger, because Lisette is like my metal and plastic and whatever else people put in computers child.

I was going to write about a terrible habit I've picked up recently. What was it? Good God, I can't even remember my own bad habits. How will I make fun of other people if I can't remember the obnoxious things they do? I think my life is ending. Do you hear it ending? It's making this scratching noise and meowing and...that's the cat outside the door. Okay. Anyway, where was I?

Oh yes. Terrible habits. I was going to squish about the way I use 'squish' as a verb in situations that are totally wrong. I know I already wrote about that, but that was a few days ago. You've probably already forgotten, or something. I know I had, until I looked it up.

The fishy thinks I should squish an entire blog post of squishing that word into the wrong place. I said to her, "Erin, you're a psycho. No one will understand that." She said, "Well, you don't have to do EVERY word! Leave enough normal so people know what you're talking about." Then I think I might have said, "Maybe I can squish that."

I mean, I'm sure it's possible. The fishy and I once had an entire conversation about the colonization of various countries by Europe by pointing at a map and saying "squish" a lot. It went something like this:

Me: Dude, that's weird. Look at the US; it's like squish.
Erin: You're right! It is like squish.
Me: But I thought the US was still being squished by England whenever this map is.
Erin: No, the US squished England. Remember?
Me: Oh. Yeah. Hey, why hasn't anyone squished Africa?
Erin: Because it's a desert?
Me: Well, no one squished the Sahara. But there are other parts that aren't squishy. Like, here.
Erin: Oh, yeah. It's all not squish.

Then Australia turned into BAM-Land. Bioterrorism was involved. And, as everyone knows, you can't sell Canadians. They get kind of mad.

I need to go eat dinner soon. I eat food. I know, it's shocking. There are so many other things to do with food, but I choose to eat the stuff.

You probably can't tell, but about forty-five minutes passed between the end of that paragraph and the start of this one. Maybe I should go back and put some tildes and asterisks in so you know I'm serious. Random punctuation always makes me think more of the person writing. You know what, I'll just put the tildes and asterisks here.


Did you see the ampersand I snuck in? It's a ninja ampersand. Punctuation so often goes to ninja finishing school to train in the ways of the ninja.

I'm running out of things to say (or write. Whatever), so I'm just going to copy some things other people have already written. Sometimes we call this plagiarism. Sometimes we call it being lazy.

Right here with me, I have my copy of "How Not To Write." I got it for Christmas this year (in case you were wondering, last year I got an OED. That's because I'm fabulous). It is full of fab, advice, and grammar humor. Here are some examples.

Stuff From "How Not To Write":
  • One will not have needed the future perfect tense in one's entire life.
  • You should just avoid confusing readers with misplaced modifiers.
  • Remember to never split an infinitive.
  • Don't verb nouns.
  • Don't use Capital letters without good REASON.
If you didn't understand that, I am totally willing to lend you my copy.

How was that for a blog post? Admittedly, I stole someone else's humor because I was too lazy to be funny on my own and wrote about ninja punctuation ... but I enjoyed it, and that's all that matters, infidels.

02 January 2010

Happy forking New Year!

It's the year of the tiger now. I tried to look that up on Wikipedia, but it didn't work out for me. I did find out that 2010 is the year in which the Dynamic Tower in Dubai will be finished. Dynamic Architecture is, by the way, that guy who makes buildings that spin. Usually I call them that, or sometimes even, "the buildings that go spinny-spinny." This is because I am a master of language.

Anyway, the buildings spin. It's kind of amazing. They're also prefabricated, so each individual floor was premade and just stacked up. Oh, and the best part (other than the way they spin. The spinning is pretty special) is that they move according to voice commands. You can say, "Move, infidel," and your floor will spin around in circles. How cool is that?

Apple is maybe-possibly-sort-of making a tablet computer. The iSlate, maybe. It's like a
cross between an iPhone and a computer. It seems like the kind of thing people would have in
the FUTURE, when we all drive our hovercars to work and vacation on the moon and live in
bubbles underwater.

Obviously twenty-ten is now the FUTURE. How does it feel to be living in such a
FUTURISTIC world filled with advanced technology? I feel pretty good about it, actually. I like
the FUTURE so far. It's not bad. Last year, I was all, "Oh gosh! The new year is fast approaching!
What if aliens come and take over our planet, demanding chocolate and firstborn children?"
But so far there have been no alien invasions, so I think we're doing well. This is obviously the
right way to measure the worth of a year: Well, no aliens...Everything is hunky-dory!

In other news, we will now write the word FUTURE and anything that has anything to do
with it in all caps. This makes no sense if you think about it and goes against the conventions
of standard English, but we all know I don't care at all about standard English. I mean, good
God. Have you seen me type recently? It's "lolz" this and ":)" that, with a side of lowercase


My God, look at me. I can't even write "lol" without capitalizing it and putting a period
after it. I won't be able to survive if the chit-chatty texting-talk takes over the world. They'll
probably lock me up for impeding progress after I spend ten minutes writing out a full reply
to something instead of just typing "k lol." I'll be imprisoned for my conservative ideas. Do
people do that? Jail people for not being radical enough? I mean, I guess they did that during
the French Revolution, but...

I'm rambling. You don't want to read this, do you? You probably want my thoughts to be
clear and organized, like pencils lined up on a desk. I would do that for you, I swear I would,
but my thoughts aren't neat like pencils. My thoughts are like (insert some wild hand gestures
and waving of hair) wheee! BAM! Kittens! Squishy wiggle twitcher fuzzy! Super special! Eep!
and I don't think they would make sense to anyone else.

I'm making increasingly less sense, you know. I used to be clear when I spoke. I used to be
able to explain things to people and have them nod and say, "Thanks, Libby. I get it now." But
now I have trouble saying thinks without putting "squish" in the sentence instead of a more
commonly accepted verb.

Sentences That Would Make Sense If You Were Me, Or Alternately, If You Were
  • Oh no! I squished it wrong!
  • Erin squished me again when I tried to name my phone Renesmee.
  • I squished the cat.
  • Where do I squish these?
  • I was all like, "You know, it's squishy," and she was all like, "I don't understand you."

Ooh, we could make an activity out of it! I love activities! Y'all can guess what verbs I
replaced with "squish." Tell me later, if, you know, I ever actually see you. (Wow, commas.) If
I don't actually see you, then I don't care what you do. Oh, that was mean of me. You can
always post little squishies (comments! I mean comments!) on this post. It makes me feel
special when people comment, and since I never post, no one ever has the opportunity.

So I'm sorry if this was weirdly formatted and hard to read. Blogger hates me sometimes.
I give it presents and say, "Blogger, je t'aime bien," to it so it loves me, but it doesn't always
work. Just try to read this. I know you'll try very hard because my thoughts are so fascinating.
I know it makes me feel better to know I'm still thinking.

Peace out, dear readers.